Relationship Non-Negotiables

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Relationship non-negotiables and why we need them.

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Relationship Non-Negotiables

As a chronic people pleaser of olde…..(I don’t do that anymore).

People pleasing was a survival skill I used to help me to navigate my childhood ……as I had to deal with bullies from a fairly young age.

I am talking fresh out of the sandbox before kindergarten.

Really young.

People pleasing was not something I cared to continue into adulthood, but it took a while to untangle myself from the grips of its insanity.

Growing up I did not understand what it meant to have relationship non-negotiables.

Not for my parents’ lack of trying.

I can remember not wanting to go places with certain friends in my adolescence and my mom telling me that if I did not want to go…….. all I had to do was say no.

At that point in my life, I could not fathom saying no.

Being bullied had conditioned me into a chronic state of people pleasing so that others who disagreed with my existence would find it harder to bully me.

I was not always like this.

Before I was bullied I was self-assured, confident, happy and adventurous.

Being bullied kind of took away the pip in my step, but it also meant that my friendships I cultivated afterwards were formed in my state of chronic people pleasing.

Which, if you want to cultivate healthy relationships, I’ve learned you have to show up fully as yourself from the start.

Luckily, you can grow out of being a people pleaser and never look back.

I have.

Thank God.

Core Values

I’ve learned that it’s really important to honor your internalized core values.

I would even argue that even as children we have hard-wired core values.

Honoring the reality that as we get older we form and change our values at a deeper level.

When we enter into relationships we enter into silent and vocalized agreements.

Many of those agreements we enter into can be tolerated behaviors and patterns that we never thought to address in the beginning of the relationship……

Even though certain behaviors made us pause.

We can find ourselves trying to get along to just get along……

Even if internally we are screaming.

Knowing Your Non-Negotiables

To avoid all of this, it is really importing to know yourself enough to know your relationship non-negotiables.

Listing your relationship non-negotiables helps you and anyone else who crosses your path to navigate the interactions you have with one another.

It creates healthy boundaries.

Which, we love.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Stating your core values allows someone to see that these are your core values and they are not going to change.

Having core values aligns you with your tribe and it keeps illusions of you having found your perfect relationship/tribe grounded in reality.

Having your standards known helps you make the best possible choices for you and your life.

It means you aren’t going to settle.

You know your worth and your intrinsic value.

Imagine

Imagine entering into a relationship and you and the other person have ten buckets.

These buckets each represent a core value.

Let’s say that you have ten core values that don’t even intersect, but you can still interact together and get along because you’re both adults and you both have social skills and manners.

Say you enjoy each others company on a surface level, but the more you have gotten to know one another you learn that your values don’t align.

Instead of each of you trying to change the other person, you realize that it’s much more important that they live in their truth and you live in yours.

You each go along and find people who align with your core value buckets and you don’t feel resentment or anger or frustration…..

That’s what having your relationship non-negotiables can do for you.

No more settling or waiting for people to change.

Gone are the conversations of over-explaining your very valid feelings.

Know that they probably are not going to change.

Recognize that you probably are not going to change, while also recognizing that people can and do change and none of that has anything to do with you.

Changing ourselves is a very personal and internal job and no one can do it for us.

People are not projects.

You are not a project.

People come as they are and that is how it has to be.

Changing means that the person who is changing wants to change.

Everyone has value.

Know your value in 2022 and beyond.

-Nikita